Conversations in My Head

If you’re like me, you’ve had times when you’ve gone to bed with a backlog of negative thoughts from disagreements over things that really don’t amount to much in the bigger scheme of things. But it seems so important to be right and have things go my way, and so begin the conversations in my head.

When I lose an argument with someone, I’ve always continued the discussion by myself. I don’t like to lose (does anyone?) so I just shut down and resent anyone’s disagreement. And if I take offense at something they do, they’d better watch out! Because in my head I start a conversation that truly devastates them.

How much energy is wasted in the torrid thinking attending our differences! It could almost solve the energy crisis if redirected.

Why is this? Is it just a reflection of self-importance, or how much influence I think my opinion should have on world events? What I have finally concluded is that all this mental insistence on how right I am, how I should be running the show, has exhausted me, even led me into the dark tunnel of depression. It wasn’t easy to make the connection and truly accept that hanging on to my way contributes absolutely nothing to a happy life.

I didn’t have to look far for proof of this. Not long ago, several of us were writing a report. If there’s one thing I’m proud of, it’s my writing, so it isn’t easy to accept all the changes others suggest on my drafts. I was feeling pretty good that I had been able to blend with them as I wrote my final draft. But then, I started to lose it. Suddenly, I was so angry at these “critics!” Typically, I didn’t say much, just stewed, but that night, I devastated them in my imagination! It was early morning before I could begin to recognize the good my friends had contributed and this calmed me down enough to sleep.

Finally, with many hints and much encouragement from my Lemurian Fellowship teachers, I started taking a closer look at my thinking and the cause and effect of it all. It took a long time, but I seem to be one who has to learn things through long, hard experience. All the energy I’d wasted seemed pitiful, but I wondered if instead of regret, I could redirect my focus to change.

From the very first Lemurian lesson, we learn about the transformative power of positive thinking. It’s taken a lot of time to relate my critical thoughts about others to the agonizing reactions in my own life, but at last it’s sinking in and I’ve made a start at overcoming this fault. Making the effort to see something good about the other person helps. When someone disagrees, I try to work it out by talking about what we differ on, or just let it go.

Despite setbacks, I feel a lot better now when I go to bed without that old familiar partner, the conversations in my head. Sleep better, too. If you go bed every night, or even now and then, with this same bed partner, I can commiserate. You have some hard work ahead, but it can be done and it will be well worth the effort!

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